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Grapevine Budapest Tour edition Club Captain's Bit Paul Malone Here we go again, heading for four days of debauchery and body abuse (our own of course!!). A big thanks to Brett and Brian for sorting things out. This year sees us taking to the air for the first time, so we have to behave just a little better for the hour and a half we are in transit. This means that the Kangaroo Court will be held back in the pub upon our return to Copenhagen (although exceptions will be made for those flying direct to Budapest and missing KBH.) ! I see that people have been eagerly sorting their roomy mates out well prior to the tour, trying to find a compatible partner for the four daysÉ..if only we spend as much time and effort before we met many of our female conquests !! The honour of leading us into the abyss this year goes to veteran tourist Chrissy Gunsten. He's the one to turn to for spiritual guidance and for bail money. Chrissy will have to select his sidekick for Chief Snitch before we board the plane( see tour rules). On a serious note, there should not be any problems in Hungary(at time of writing) with regards the Balkans crisis, so let's not try and fuel any little emotions that may be around. Lets all keep out of jail, and it'll be a great tour!! Have a good one. Rules of the Tour Read these very carefully, adhering to them will make your tour memorable, rather than a daze. This year we welcome a very seasoned tourist as our TOUR LEADER - Mr. XXXX. He will don the other very soiled, I mean seasoned tourist, The Pink Elephant. The first point of duty of the tour leader is to appoint a Chief Snitch. He is the only person who can relay breaches in tour etiquette to the tour leader. Anybody apart from him remarking on indiscretions by other tourists will be punished. Punishment will be decided by the tour leader: 1. Drinking will be by left handed only after we board the plane. 2. The tour strip will be worn on the body at all times. 3. Any hats/scarves which is included, as tour strip must also be worn at all times. 4. Once we have boarded the plane, the name of the destination country must not be spoken. 5. Losing any part of tour strip renders a tourist as dead for the remainder of the tour. 6. Any person talking to a dead tourist will be punished.(Only the tour leader may revive a deceased tourist.) 7. Any person failing to heed the call Dead Ant (only by the Tour Leader) faces punishment. 8. The owner of the tour mascot must name him/her immediately and is solely responsible for her upkeep. He must take her everywhere. 9. Persons inflicting damage to the mascot face serious punishment. 10. For all games on tour the correct Exiles attire must be worn i.e. black socks, black shorts and Exiles jerseys. (Scrum caps of any colour are allowed). 11. The 13 man line out and 14 man scrum will be both be performed at least once during the two games. 12. A kangaroo court will be held on the home leg of the journey, and will be adjudicated over by the Tour Leader and Chief Snitch. The Chief Snitch must produce his notes at this sitting, with details of crimes. (They may find each other guilty of crimes). These rules must be adhered to at all times. The Tour Leader has the power to implement other rules as he see fit. Have a good tour. THE TOURING PARTY Get to know your fellow travellers before you have to share a room (Or bodily fluids) with them. Chris "Respectful businessman" Gunsten aka The Cardinal - At the time of writing, he is probably being discussed in a shady cellar somewhere, or even the John Bull pub, in terms of his suitability as tour leader. But why trust a man who never knows whether he’s coming or going nor how long he’s going to stay in this country? Obtained the alias of Cardinal for his missionary zeal, his almost messianic belief in the power of good and his unswerving and unquenchable thirst for righteousness and Tuborg. This man will lead you to the Promised Land that is Magyar. He hasn’t decided when yet, though. Have another beer, if I were you. Nick "La La" Blake - Probably won't bother with clothes on tour as they only get in the way once the singing starts. Coming back from injury, so will have to take it easy - no sudden arm movements. Don't ask to borrow his underpants on tour under any circumstances. Johan "where’s the money?" Sølvhøj - Little Joey’s a treasure. A fond user of the classic English sentence structure Imperative-Indirect Pronoun-Personal Possessive-Object Noun e.g. ’Give me your subs/tour money/girlfriend’ all of which he obtains without much fuss due to the twinkle in his eye, his charming demeanour and his title of Danish heavyweight kick-boxing champion. This is not to be mistaken for meanness however, as demonstrated on the field of play, where his generosity is such that he has been known to refuse to score a try himself so that another might do so instead. At least I think that’s what he’s been doing for the last four years. Club treasurer and recent buyer of property, coincidentally. Niels "Pierre" Bundgaard - This confused Dane often thinks he is French (Especially at Five Nations time), but takes it to extremes by eating raw garlic and refraining from washing. Hasn't been playing much rugby this season due to a bad case of ''Lazy Bastarditus''. Beware if you are sharing a room with him as he has a penchant for shaving parts of his anatomy. Brett "Zola" Thomas - Cunninglinguist of the first degree. This tourist always mixes well with the locals. Encourages young ladies to get involved with depraved organisations e.g. Chelsea F.C. Room sharer with this tourist would do well to keep a close eye on the key. Crispin "tickets please" Hawes - Leads a somewhat solitary life. This is not because of Angie permanently flying back and thinking of England, nor because he is permanently bated (’lucky bastard’, Ed.) for taking the bull by the sharp end and cloaking himself in the patchy mantle of captaincy. No it’s worse than that. HE’S A PERVERT! Ever wondered why he takes so long ’nipping off to the bogs’ or ’popping out to get some fresh air’ when he’s in the Globe? Watch him more closely, for lurking within our midst is a frustrated cum-muter. Rumours abound of his nightly excursions to Nørreport station where he gets on trains where at least half of the passengers are female and then sits facing some of them. That nonchalent look is a disguise. In secret he’s waiting for them to get off so that he can sniff/lick/play soggy biscuits on the wet patch. That’s why Copenhagen girls always cycle, a bloke in the pub told me. True as well. Rhod "Blodwin" Philips - This ''Cockney wanker'' will be out of shape on tour having left the Exiles a year ago. Expect plenty of gloating and snide comments about rugby players in red shirts. Will probably bring an inflatable pig on tour, nothing to do with tour mascots, just personal use. Dave ’Divine’ Rousham - Ever wondered what the answer was to the question ’is it a bird, is it a plane’? Nor have I but the answer is ’probably both’! And I’m not talking about BA’s latest flying machine. I mean the hunky, ’take-’em-off-or-I’ll eat-them’ big-hitting Marketing manager that we know as Dave but to his best friends is otherwise referred to as ’Divine’. Yes folks, our meaty No. 8 is secretly a cross-dresser, a flying faggot in fact! Dave was always molly-coddled in his youth as his mum had always wanted a girl. His dad wasn’t adverse to them either, apparently. Anyway, years of trying on mummy’s make-up and going shopping for shoes every weekend had to have their effect. He was so bullied at school that his dad paid to get him in the England rugby side to shut them all up. On tour he’s very likely to meet up with his best girlfriend ’for a proper chat’ after all the laddish behaviour. Do say. ’Lucky bitch - wish I had your eyelashes/nails/tits’ Don’t say: ’Hey, let’s go buy some wank-mags’ Jon ’o’ The Green Anderson - Another shady character with a dubious sideline. Most of us know him as the silver-tongued, wheeler-dealing, high-finance whizzkid with the bronze tan and the golden touch. You didn’t? Oh. Well, anyway, he isn’t. Despite of all those whacky scouser comments like ’Lead’s gone through the roof today’ and ’one of my clients in Nigeria’, Jon is a closet environmentalist who hates exploiting innocent victims, extenuating the widening gap between rich and poor and stripping undelevoped countries of their natural resources. In fact in his free time he’s a keen botanist, spending a lot of time in the greenhouse. Not many people know this but in his previous job in the nuclear weapons industry, his workmates referred to him as the Green-collar Worker because of his concerns for putting the world to right. So extreme are his views in fact that he is quoted as having told Margaret Thatcher ’your problem is you only think with your twat’. But they do, don’t they do, dough? Paul ’Men in Black’ Malone - Paul’s aversion to loud and colourful garments and preference for jet black attire often leads people to assume that he is a latter-day Guy Fawkes, conniving against protestant governments everywhere and lurking around parliament buildings, semtex in hand, ready to sow anarchy where once there was peace and tranquility. All true of course. Drogheda, his home-town, is a hot-bed of agro-anarchosyndicalism. You should see the way those tractors fuck it up for people in the town centre! Often volunteers himself as an agent provacateur, fomenting rebellion and anti-establishment resistance whenever he speaks. His martyr-like tendencies will often find him standing on his own at rallies saying things like ’I am the revolutionary committee - challenge me if you dare’. Definitely the man to be standing next to if the Russian tanks come rolling in again. On the other hand he is just as likely to take the longer term, idealistic view and sacrifice the present. Then you might hear ’Russian tanks? Nottin’ to do wit’ me’ Nick "Plectrum" Rose - Knows many Hungarian folk songs, so he can annoy the locals as well as his fellow tourists. Quiet winger who will be organising trips to local banjo museums and concerts for people who sing badly, so he will feel at home. Marc(o) Ronan(ez) - Nobody knows what he really does and I’m not talking rugby here. His somewhat jet-setting life (red sports car, frequent travels to the far east, permanent tan) have led others to believe he is in fact one of the Medellin Ramirez family otherwise known for providing Robbie Fowler with nasal spray. This is far from the truth however as his name is not Ramirez and he doesn’t speak Spanish. Likely to disappear on tour ’to make a quick phone call’ at frequent intervals. If overheard saying *Lotta, lotta’, he’s probably, almost certainly I reckon, talking to his girlfriend and not dicussing the purchase of barbiturates from his uncle. You know, the one with the farm outside Cali. Matt "Goatie" King - World famous tourist, knows how to ask for ''Exotic'' substances in 15 different languages. Talks in riddles so bring along a phrase book. To while away the hours ask him to explain the finer points of a defensive line out. Don't ask to borrow anything from him on tour as all he has is a toothbrush and some underpants. Tim "Mac" Clements - Known to its fans as Tim C++. This rather heavy and none too quick machine still out-performs many of its lighter and flashier rivals in terms of performance. The upgraded version 37 is a somewhat enhanced update of its predecessor. Gone are the Heavy Dose operating system and the numerous applications needed to keep it up and running. The new model is more steady, still maintaining its renowned reliability and is a good investment for people whose needs are mostly centred around the home. The standard version is ideally suited to the Viagra enhancer and the 12xGuinness turbo drive booster. Not to be confused with the much-maligned Ex-sec TT/PC which is now somewhat outdated (see below). Charlie "Sky" Scott - Official tour mascot collector/abuser. This tourist will find the cheapest, dirtiest, den of inequity and live in it for the next four days (Will probably be his room). Compulsive gambler, he bets on anything, so expect plenty of sweepstakes for first arrest, first vomit and first Grapevine lost. Paul "Designer" Smith - This politely spoken intelligent gentlemen (Yes he is an Exile), is in fact a raging beast on the rugby pitch. Well known for his defence, he can often be seen running around the pitch appealing for off side. Doesn't know any of the rules for rugby, so fulfills all the requirements of a referee in Denmark. Dave ’Fuckin’ Dunlop - Real name Dave Tree with No Shade. His family called him Dunlop because he drank too much milk as a child and left skidmarks in his undies. An unusual creature, Dave is a cross between an Aborigine and Ned Kelly himself. His mother breast-fed him through a didgereedoo which resulted in him being speech-impaired, unable to connect two parts of a sentence without the hollow ’Fuckin...fuckin...fuckin’ chant reverberating around the ejaculation (oy - stop that!). At the drop of a leather hat or weekly salary cheque is likely to go walkabout on you. His aboriginal sixth sense recalls his previous life as a croc leaving him with the dilemna of whether or not to go semi-aquatic for the weekend. This often leads to him jumping off yacht masts and things in order to get closer to The Old Spirit. If forced to be inside, will invariably do the next best thing and bardive into a tableful of beer. Matt "Nutter" Prior - Fitness fanatic flanker has cut down to 40 a day and doesn’t smoke much either. Person most likely to get into a fight on tour and it will probably be on the rugby pitch. Bit of a headcase probably to do with the football team he supports. Mark Luceri/Lucero Marci - I always feel a little sorry for our Italo-Canadian recruitment secretary. Life’s been one big confusion for him. What am I? Canadian? Italian? American? Gobshite? He’s never been able to give himself a clear answer. He doesn’t even know why he’s here. He was generally happy wearing check shirts and swinging from mighty redwoods, going shopping on Wednesdays and working as a part-time mounty at weekends. God knows what drove him to Scandinavia in search of working in a petshop specialising in Norwegian blue parrots. And now he’s here in Denmark he can’t make up his mind whether to be a centre or a flanker. To be honest the rest of us don’t know what to make of him. On the one hand we idolise him, on the other we think he’s a pain in the ass. In short, we don’t know whether he’s a Buddha or just a pest. (Groan) John "Crashball" Cashman - Hard whiskey drinking second rower, who wouldn't even talk to the backs before coming to Denmark, now thanks to the Exiles, shandy drinking center. Softly spoken, comes out with the most stupid sayings that anyone has ever heard (Now known as Dan Quayle of the Exiles), obviously in some sort of competition with Charlie and Matt King. Paul "Porridge" Turley - This tourist is always hungry and has been known to take sloppy seconds. Fanatical about rugby, if he doesn't get his own way he will take his ball home with him and not let anyone play. As ''vice'' captain expect him to be the first to check out any local establishments that look interesting. Tod "Strata" Waight - Kiwi hooker who cannot throw the ball to the back of a line out. Will add an air of sensibility to tour, as he is only interested in rocks. Most likely tour member to be found in a piercing or tattooing emporium. Brian "Poltergeist" Mac - Complete control freak, but will find it hard adjusting to eating after 20.00 (As this is what time they stop serving food in the Globe). Knows the local area well, so is a good man to stay with. Bringing his boots along to make sure he gets at least one game. Jon "Package" O'Niell - Scrum half/winger whose time keeping is second to none. Never without his leather jacket, he wants to look like a latter day Huggy Bear. This Kiwi is use to staying with the flock, so he won't get lost on tour. Neil "Sauvignon" Clifford - ''Cliffy'' is a closet wine drinker and wants to start up a connoisseurs club. Hates the internal combustion engine, so cycles everywhere. Has done his homework on local attractions and will conduct a tour to the most interesting. Has interesting ideas on corporal punishment. Ray "Jackanory" McMahon - Accident prone fly half, who sometimes runs straight. A bloke who not only kissed the Blarney stone but stuck his tongue down it’s throat. Enjoys decorating (Well strippers anyway) and is apparently "pretty fly for a white guy". Tim ’Tubs’ Tuohy - More spiritual hocus-pocus! This man is a pope, though not in the Czech Republic. There he was just a pisshead like the rest of us. For him, life’s just one big game. Even as a child, his mother had to spank him just to stop him from standing on his head and drinking his bottled milk in less than 7.4 seconds. This affliction led to his current physical state - vertically challenged while horizontally hyper-flexible. Short and fat to you and me. Has recently won a competition to see who could put on the most weight in three months, starting New Years Day. Imagine how the 148kg barrel of lard laughed when they told him it was an elaborate April Fool joke. Almost made his trousers split, he laughed so much! Due to all the ribbing, if you could call it ribbing in this case, he decided as a challenge to himself to travel to the land of Milk, Honey , crap beer and T-bones to become King of them all. If you’re a weight watcher, Tim’s a pleasure to behold. Is only coming because he likes the name of the country. (Groan No. 2) Lars "Pie" Larsen - "Ravn" is the speed merchant of the club (Well over 30 meters) who likes his food and everyone elses. Hopeing to get his first game of the season on tour. Pet hates - parking fees, English spelling and unfit referees or sow I was tooled. Malcolm "X" Costigan - Training fanatic until he got a job, now only turns up to talk about how many guilders to the mark. After an excellent game against Hundested he is looking to build on this for the season, or maybe just retire now. Only coming on tour as he has nothing else to do. Duncan "Ashtrays" King - Spent some time with the Exiles in the late 70s and was responsible for introducing his brother to the club. Drives a yellow Mercedes van which he uses to transport his team mates from Sittingbourne mini-rugby club. Introduced ashtray tossing to Denmark and became a life member of Speed rugby club during his last visit. Has three children who are all apparently still looking forward to receiving Christmas presents from their dear old uncle for the past 10 years. Alan "The Diplomat" Gibbon - Under no circumstances must this man be allowed to imbibe alcoholic beverages of any description while on tour. The reasons are two-fold. 1. We'll need to make use of his considerable skill and experience in the subtle arts of diplomacy to get us out of jail and re-integrated in society and, more importantly, 2. He'll be forced to enjoy no more than his usual 14 hours of peaceful slumber a night (Bagpuss) Selection Crispin Hawes I have been asked to put out a couple of provisional sides for the tour, this is to prevent everyone getting completely plastered before we play any rugby then suddenly feeling like not playing (Luckily Cyrille isn't with us this year). Please remember these teams are not cast in stone and are only meant to give those people on the list an idea about not bailing down the pints as soon as we get there (or sooner). So please no tantrums about why you're not playing or at least not until we are in Budapest. The (so called) easier game is the first one, on the Thursday we arrive, kick off is 18.00. The team is meant to favour those no longer playing regularly for the Exiles. The second game will be more difficult and favours the more regular players (and Brett). Info about Budapest Brett Thomas We highly suggest that people who plan on staying in Budapest for at least three days invest in the Budapest card. The card allows for free access to all forms of public transportation as well as excellent deals and reduced prices at many museums and other attractions including restaurants, pubs and shopping areas. The card can be purchased from any tourist info area and usually in hostels as well. The airport minibus is also a great way to get from the airport to any destination in the city and you can call them a day ahead of your flight and they will pick you up and return you to the airport as well for a reasonable price. Their desk is located right inside the airport. This is apparently a common experience in Budapest. I was walking along the main shopping drag at night when two pretty girls approached me. They feigned having met me the night before and asked me if I would like to get a drink. They led me to a fancy bar, up a spiral staircase on the second floor. Before I could even look at the drink list or prices, drinks were brought for the three of us. I asked to see a menu but wasn't provided one. After the first round the girls tried to order another round but I protested and said that I wanted to see the prices. The check was then brought - a bill for two rounds of drinks was 91,000 Florents or an incredible US$360. I was outraged. The waiter brought me to a cash machine just outside the bar and told me to withdraw the money and pay the bill or else. I later found out this is an all too common scam in Budapest and is run by organised crime who prey on innocent tourists. (Nov 98) The Prague and Budapest metro's are notorious for pick-pockets. The system works like this. A group of five people go to the most touristy stops. While waiting for the metro to arrive, they walk around the platform listening for people speaking a foreign language (and also look for the obvious "tourist" signs such as maps, cameras). Once they've decided who the victim will be, they all rush for the metro. They will go in front of you, crowding you out and making you the last person on. Once you get in the metro carriage they will surround you and hold up their shoulder bags to block your entry. If you feel as though you are being blocked while trying to get on a metro car, run to another one. Also, try not to have your valuables obviously visible - for example buy a flat purse that can be inside your jacket or clothing. Important Contact Numbers/Important Phone Numbers
The two downtown police stations are at 5th district Szalaiutca 11-13 (telephone: 302-5935) metro 1 or 2 or 3 at Deak ter and 5th district Kecskemeti utca 6 (telephone: 317-0711) with metro 3 at Kalvin ter. 24 hour medical service: 318-8212
24 hour dental services
International telephone operators and rates.
Telephone Enquiries:
Non-stop pharmacies are located at:
Buda side
Taxis Avoid unmarked taxis. The following taxi companies, with logos well marked on the side of the car, are reliable and reasonably priced. Ordering a taxi by phone is cheaper thanhailing one on the street.
Airport Buses The Airport Minibus Service (296-8555, 296-8993, 296-6283) picks you up at any address in Budapest and brings you to the airport for Ft 1200 per person. Works from airport to town as well. Transportation:
Car assistance nation-wide: 06-1 355 0379 The New Australian Constitution Tod Waight You may not have had any news about this but Australia is probably about to kick out Queenie and become a republic, therefore it needs a new constitution (although there is the argument that whats the point of having a written constitution in a land where X% of the population can't read and the rest of the population won't read on the grounds that only poofters do that?. John Howard (Aussie Prime Minister) wrote this really terrible draft constitutional preamble that managed to offend just about everybody, including women, aborigines, etc because it referred to "mates" among other things. God was pleased though apparently because He made it into the first paragraph. Since it was only a draft, here is one of the suggested amended versions. The New Constitutional Preamble WE, the People of the broad, brown land of Oz, wish to be recognised as a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional trannie. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and, although we live in the best little country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but we're divided into many States. First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte and grand final day. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it's "livable". Next, there's NSW. It is the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing gay-boys. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate. Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel. Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document. The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus and dusty kids with big smiles. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali. And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery. We, the Lullaby League of Oz, are united, primarily by the Pacific Highway, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by murder. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one , can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Desirable, sure. But fair? Not when you consider Brian Harradine can get 24,000 votes and run the bloody country. Not that we're whingeing. We've chucked out the concept of "fair go" in the downsized '90s. Instead, we want to make "no worries" our national phrase. We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning, in the same breath. We treasure our politicians, who talk about listening with such persistence it's hard to get a word in. We tolerate our Prime Minister, who is not only short but a Methodist, hanging offences in decent countries. And we like watching Parliament on TV because Natasha Stott Despoja is a total spunkrat. We, the wicked witches of the land of Oz, want to make it clear this continent is ours and always has been. Mind you, Liberal Party polling shows that there were some people here before Captain Cook so we should address the issue once and for all. While possession is nine-tenths of the law, our ancestors were fortunate enough to discover that genocide, cultural extinguishment, baby theft and flour poisoning make up the other tenth. So Oz is now ours and that's that. Our midget Methodist master says we have no reason to feel sorry for killing more Aborigines per capita than the Nazis did Jews and Liberal Party polling says we're OK with that. Why don't we say sorry? In the words of our PM - because, because, because, because, because. Now, can we just drop the whole thing before the Olympics start? Phew, with that nasty bit out of the way, we the Brain, the Heart and the Nerve of Oz, want the world to know we have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe. We don't know much about art but we know we hate the people who make it. We shoot, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. And even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little People, at least we're better than the Kiwis. Now bugger off, we're sleeping. Some stuff on Hungary from the web Tod Waight This is apparently a common experience in Budapest. I was walking along the main shopping drag at night when two pretty girls approached me. They feigned having met me the night before and asked me if I would like to get a drink. They led me to a fancy bar, up a spiral staircase on the second floor. Before I could even look at the drink list or prices, drinks were brought for the three of us. I asked to see a menu but wasn't provided one. After the first round the girls tried to order another round but I protested and said that I wanted to see the prices. The check was then brought - a bill for two rounds of drinks was 91,000 Florents or an incredible US$360. I was outraged. The waiter brought me to a cash machine just outside the bar and told me to withdraw the money and pay the bill or else. I later found out this is an all too common scam in Budapest and is run by organised crime who prey on innocent tourists.' anon (Nov 98) Recent statistics (from the CIA) Between the ages of 15-64 there is a 0.97:1 male to female ratio, above 65 there is a 0.6:1 ratio, you do the maths. Some Hungarian words which may (or may not) come in useful: toilet = nyilvános vécé (don't confuse with bilire szoktatás (toilet training)), police station = rendörörszoba, hotel = hotel, mother = mama (or Marihuána!), child = gyerek, daughter = lány, grandmother = nagyanya, girlfriend = barátnö, married = házas, money = készpénz, hospital = kórház, bandage = tapasz, thirsty = szomjas, hungry = éhes, tired = holtfáradt, dirty = koszos, breakfast = reggeli, beer = sör, deaddrunk = holtrészegen, shoes = cipö, trousers = nadrág, underwear = alsónemû / fehérnemü, naked = csupasz, marmalade = lekvár, whipped cream = tejszinhab, whip = lovagkíostor, bondage = rabszolgaság, discipline = fegyelen, stockings = harisnya, horse = kurva, mackerel = makréla, dog = kutya (dirty dog = rongy alak), help = Segitenél, goodbye = isten veled / isten veletek, airport = reptér / repülötér, Please go away = Menj az anyádba, faszfej! (try not to use this in polite company) A couple of jokes Malcolm Costigan There are 3 blondes on an island. One of them finds a lamp, rubs it, and out pops a genie, who grants them one wish each. " I want to be intelligent," says the first blonde. The genie turns her into a redhead, and she swims to the mainland. " I want to be really intelligent," says the second blonde. The genie turns her into a brunette, and she builds a raft and sails to the mainland. " I want to be really, really intelligent," says the third blonde, so the genie turns her into a man and he walks over the bridge. A blonde wants to earn some extra cash, so she decides to hire herself out as a handyman, and starts to canvass a wealthy neighbourhood. At the first house she asks the owner if he eas any jobs for her. " You can paint my porch," he replies, and she agrees to do it for £50. The owner then shows her where he keeps the paint and ladders. The owner's wife hears the conversation and asks him, " Does she realise the porch goes all the way around the house?" "She should," he replies,"she was standing on it at the time." A short time later, the blonde comes to the front door to collect her money. " Are you finished already?" asks the owner. "Sure am," replies the blonde. The owner's impressed and hands her the money. " By the way," the blonde adds," that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." Songs chorus That was a dirty old song, sing us another one, just like the other one, sing us another one, There was a young actress from Crew Who remarked as the vicar withdrew, The Bishop was quicker and thicker and slicker, and two inches longer than you. Chorus There was a young vampire called Mabel, whose periods were always quite stable, at every full moon she took out a spoon, and drank herself under the table. Chorus There was a young plumber from Lee, who was plumbing his girl with great glee, she said stop your plumbing, I think someones coming, said the plumber still plumbing "its me"! chorus A kinky young girl from Coleshill, Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill, They found her vagina in North Carolina, and bits of her tits in Brazil. Chorus There was a young man from Pitlocherie, making love to his girl in the rockery, she said look you've cum all over my bum, This isn't a shag it's a mockery. Chorus There was a young lassie from Morton, who had one long tit and one short 'en, on top of all that, a great hairy twat, and a fart like a six fifty Norton. Chorus There was a young man from Nantucket, Who's shlong was so long he could suck it, He was heard to allude, if I may be so crude, If my ear was a cunt I could fuck it. chorus Twat of the Month Paul Malone You cannot really call yourself an Exile until you have won the accolade of TWAT of the month. There have been many distinguished winners over the years, myself, Matt King, Brett (several times), Tim Tuohy, Paul Turley, John NockÉ.the list goes on and on. But it’s considered a little special to win the Tour TWAT, and something that will remembered all year round. This time we truly have a worthy winner indeed. Not only has he one the Tour TWAT, but also has coined a new word for the English language É.to make a Cashism . This will be defined in future editions of dictionaries as TWAT (abbreviation), meaning Talking Without Attempting to Think. We have had many examples of a Cashism over the past months, and strangely, the later you meet John Cashman in the evening, the less inclined you are to hear an example. If you are a little unsure of what this exactly is, stay close to him on tour, he will be bountiful! A quick example. Cashman on Wales v England. " I don’t care who wins, as long as Wales don’t lose". Cashman on time. " That was really fast, well under 1 minute 50 secondsÉ1 minute 49 seconds" (for more examples of Cashisms see Crispin’s phrases later in this issue). Complaints Nick Rose Those who enjoy vitriolic banter, but are too lazy to write their own abusive missives, may derive some enjoyment from the web site http://www-csag.cs.uiuc.edu/individual/pakin/complaint where there resides Scott Pakin's automatic complaint-letter generator. The following examples were obtained by feeding it the names of committee members, and indicates the program's surprising ability to hit the mark. Team captain: If it weren't for annoying imbeciles, Crispin would have no friends. Even when all discoverable facts and experience fly in the face of his power-drunk world view, he will stubbornly hold onto his ignorance as his birthright. Coach: The more pressing news is that Mr. Matthew King makes free and liberal use of chicanery, deceit, intolerance, lust, persecution, and oppression. It would be hard to find anyone who doesn't agree that his hired goons are in league with quasi-gutless fatuitous provocateurs who do everything possible to keep crazy scientists loquacious and foul. In short, Mr. Matthew King leads me to believe that he is repressive. Club Captain: He has announced a number of pesky ideas on how to run -- or is that ruin? -- everyone's life. His utterances often lash audiences of illaudable obscene prigs into wild storms of applause. In a nutshell, naive monomaniacs like Mr. Paul Malone tend to conveniently ignore the key issues of this or any other situation. Social Secretary, former captain: And we must acknowledge that the idea of letting Mr. Brett Thomas perpetuate inaccurate and dangerous beliefs about male-female relationships is, in itself, snivelling. Recruitment secretary: This letter is not a memoir. Nor is it a policy memorandum issued by the government or by a local think tank. Rather, it is an assessment of how Mr. Mark Luceri doesn't shower often enough. Treasurer: There are people I indeed despise. They lack morals, character, and honesty. They put foolish pretentious bureaucrats on the federal payroll. In case you can't tell, I'm talking about Mr. Johan Solvhøj here. Vice Captain: He is blockish, intrusive, conniving, headlong, unbalanced, and prolix. Need I go on? Paul, get a life! Club Secretary: Doesn't Tim ever get tired of calling everyone "pestiferous finks"? Although he has tremendous popular appeal, I find it sickening to watch Tim convert our children to cultural zombies in a mass of unthinking and easily-herded proletarian cattle. DTU Liaison officer: I will present evidence that Niels is not just stupid. He is unbelievably, astronomically stupid. Indeed, Niels's new definition of "hexosemonophosphoric" is in disagreement with his own biased memoranda. Sporting quotes Tim Clements An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal. (Dave Bassett, Sky Sports) Ardilles strokes the ball like it is part of his own anatomy. (Jimmy Magee, RTE) Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice. (Kevin Keegan, Radio 5 live) This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother. (Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator) I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better. (Ron Atkinson) He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces. (Ron Atkinson) I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat. (Norman Whiteside) It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up. (Ian Wright - commenting on his teammate's alcoholism) I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country. (Ian Rush) Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew. (Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977) Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres. (David Coleman) Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field. (Metro Radio) ...and later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs... (Sue Barker) Dennis Pennis: 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?' Chris Eubank: 'On what?' Grand National winning jockey Mark Fitzgerald: 'Sex is an anti-climax after that !' Desmond Lynam: 'Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everybody saw that' To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch. (Ruud Gullit) Well , either side could win it, or it could be a draw. (Ron Atkinson) For those of you watching in Black and White, Spurs are in the all yellow strip (John Motson) Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer. (David Acfield) What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in football? (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live ) I'd like to play for an Italian club , like Barcelona. (Mark Draper - Aston Villa) Match Report - Exiles v Frölunda Crispin Hawes Result - 37 - 17 HT 19 - 10 T - Nigel (2) - Cyrille - Paul M - Euan - Ron C - Euan (2) - Paul M This game was against Frolunda a Swedish side, that Warwick Andersen an ex-Exile now plays for. The game was played at Lundtofte, the weather was warm and sunny and the Exiles were looking to get their season back on track with a win after a bad loss (22 - 7) in the league to Hamlet the week before. The game didn't start well for the Exiles as after some good possession the ball was given away allowing Frolunda to make the first score. This seemed to galvanise the Exiles into playing some simpler but more effective rugby and with the pack performing well in the scrums and lineouts they managed to gain the upper hand. The scrums were particularly impressive with many being stolen against the head. The Exiles scoring started with the backs making some good in roads in the Frolunda backs with Nigel and John C being particularly effective and it was indeed Nigel who went over for the first score. This was converted by John N and the Exiles were on their way. The next try came from Cyrille after a well worked move from the back row unit. After some sloppy defending from the Exiles allowing Frolunda to pull a try back, the Exiles again got themselves on the score sheet with Ron going over for a good try from his unaccustomed position of fly-half. With this try being converted by Euan, the score was 19 - 10 at half time. The second half was much the same as the first, forwards securing the ball for the backs who spun it wide then gaining quick second phase ball for the backs to go again. With the Exiles scoring two tries quickly through Nigel and Paul M, to put the score at 29 - 10, the game was swinging in Exiles favour. Frolunda pulled one back with good strong running in the forwards and backs. But the Exiles had the last word with Euan scoring, to leave the score at 36 - 17. Man of the Match was Leo with some great one-handed ball skills, with Nigel in second place. The team was Mark R, Tod, Johan, Chris G, Crispin, Cyrille, Leo, Paul T, John O, Ron, Nigel, John C, Paul M, Euan, John N, Jamie, Mark L and Nick R. Match Report - Exiles v Hundested Crispin Hawes Result - 51 - 5 HT 23 - 0 T - Nigel (2) - Cyrille - Matt P - John C - Leo - John N - Brett C - Paul T (3) - John N P - Paul M An important game for the Exiles, a game that had to be one, the most important game of the season so far, a game that only the brave and fearless dare play in. A game that would see an amazing eight tries and fifty one points scored. The weather was dry and warm, the pitch was in great condition, the players had been preparing for this game at the Tuesday training session, so moves were honed to a fine degree of skill and dexterity and the jerseys had been washed. After a players meeting the week before and several tantrums involving toys being thrown from their prams, the team was picked to reflect balance, strength, poise and determination, and had nothing to do with only fifteen people being available for the game by the time Saturday came around (Due to two players not being able to work out the fiendishly difficult Danish bus time tables and arriving 30 minutes late). From the kick off the Exiles set out their game plan, the forwards to secure the ball and then have options from the ruck or maul, either to forwards hanging off or to spread it wide to the backs and make territory. The team did this from the off and very effective it was. The game started with the Exiles attacking, again the centre partnership of Nigel and John C proved most effective and made some big dents in the opposition from an attacking and defensive point of view. With four tries being scored in the first half (I forget the scoring order due to the state of delirium I was in watching this fantastic rugby) and a penalty (Strange decision of the captain to take the points from a penalty at this juncture of the game?) the half time score was 23 - 0. At half time with some players shuffled around, due to the late comers arriving. The Exiles in true fashion let in a very soft try, due to some missed tackles. (At this point from the touch line it was heard that someone said ''Oh dear, they have completely lost their shape, I think they will probably lose now''. Well mystery person, you needn't have feared, the Exiles were in determined mood and wanted to score more points). With the second half yielding another five tries for the Exiles, the game was a complete rout but a very good display from the Exiles. Special mention has to go to Malcolm who had an outstanding game, here is a player who showed in this game that things learnt in training can be carried onto the pitch and carried on with panache, determination and skill. Well done Malcolm. So that was it, the final score being 51 - 5 and everyone feeling pretty pleased with themselves. Man of the match was (Unsurprisingly) Malcolm with an amazing eight votes and John C second. The team was Tim C, Tod, Johan, Chris G, Crispin, Matt, Leo, Paul T, Paul M, Nigel, John C, Mark L, Malcolm, John N, Brett, Jamie, Jasper, John O (Late bloke), Cyrille (Even later bloke). Match Report - Exiles v Frederiksberg Crispin Hawes Result - 49 - 0 HT 25 - 0 T - Matt P (3) - Paul M (2) - Chris G - Eric - Ray C - Ray (3) P - Ray After last weeks game there was a very good feeling in the club, it was always going to be hard to know what sort of team Frederiksberg would come up with and the Exiles knew what they were capable of after a humbling experience of playing a training game against them earlier in the season. After a couple of late drop outs the team was re-jigged, with a couple of people playing out of position. With Chris ''Cardinal '' Gunsten finally facing reality and moving into play at prop and Mark L playing in the back row, it was going to be a game where anything could happen. The game started brightly for the Exiles with a lot of territory and possession gained, Frederiksberg had their backs to the wall early on and eventually gave away a penalty in front of the posts, this was converted by Ray and the Exiles were on their way. The next 20 minutes was an amazing spell for the Exiles, with John O and Eric on the wings it was always going to be a game to get the ball out wide. When this was done the Exiles were devastating especially with the superb support play of Matt P, Matt managed to score three tries in this period. We could all learn something from Matts commitment and dedication. With Ray converting one of Matts tries and Eric scoring one more before half time the score was 25 - 0. At the turn around Brett came on for Paul S at full back (Both were to play in the Old Boys game after the main event), and from the kick off the game continued in the same vein as the first. Poignant memories were Chris G scoring a try in the corner from centimetres out in his last game (Until the tour) and Leo showing that it doesn't matter how old you are, but when you are told to carry the ball in two hands it is done for a reason, so you won't drop the ball over the try line. With two tries coming from the inspirational form of Paul M (I think it's the green scrum cap that does it), one which was converted by Ray and then Ray scoring the last of the Exiles points with a fine score and conversion the game was over with a good win and the points standing at 49 - 0. Man of the Match was Matt with eight votes, with Eric second. The team was Chris G, Johan, Mark R, Crispin, Mickie, Matt P, Leo, Mark L, Paul M, Ray, Nigel, John C, Eric, John O, Paul S, Brett. Oliver Reed - what a man Brett Thomas Oliver Reed is dead. Long live Davy D! At his former home in Surrey the locals also had many a tale to tell. In one celebrated incident in 1974, Reed invited 36 rugby players to a party. Between Saturday night and Sunday lunchtime, they managed to consume between them 60 gallons of beer, 32 bottles of Scotch, 17 bottles of gin, four crates of wine and a lone bottle of Babycham. The entertainment concluded with Reed leading the players on a nude dawn run through the countryside. Ring Of Fire These are the rules for a new drinking game we are promoting on tour, learn the rules well and save yourself (and liver) a lot of misfortune. Lay the cards around a glass of "nice" drink in a ring. Each person selects a card in turn. Ace - Waterfall. Everybody starts to drink from his or her pint at the same time. When the person who picked the card has had enough they put their drink down. When it hits the table the person to their left is allowed to stop, and so on. The last person has to drink a lot. 2,3,4,5 black - The person who picks these cards has to drink the same number of swigs as is on the card. 2,3,4,5 Red - The person picking nominates a person to drink for them. The picker can split these up e.g. if a red 4 is drawn they could give 2 swigs to two people. 6 - The thumb master. The holder of this card may keep it until the end of the game. At any point he/she may raise their thumb. The last person on the table to raise theirs must drink 2 swigs. 7 - The sevens counting game. Clap and change direction on all numbers divisible by, or containing a seven. Loser does 2 swigs. 8 - Toilet card or rule change. You may use this card to go to the toilet or give it up to make a rule change. 9 - Category card. The person who picks it chooses a category. Then clockwise everybody has to name something in that category. For example makes of beer. 10 - Big Cheers, everybody drinks. Jack- The person picking it must touch their head immediately. The last person to touch theirs on the table drinks 2 swigs. Queen - Question card. Keep it for the game and at any point ask somebody a question. If they reply with an answer they drink 2 swigs. If they reply with a question the person who asked the question drinks. King - The king goes on the drink in the middle, unless it is the last one in which case the picker has to drink the drink in the middle and then the game is over. Remember once a card is used for example a thumb master, it is taken from the player so they can only use it once. |
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